I’ve always known that this coming. For me, it’s been like a black cloud on the horizon. But now its here. Welcome to the Menopause.
I’ll be honest, it’s not quite how I expected. I thought it was wild mood swings and hot flushes and night sweats. Yes, I do get some hot flushes, I do get bloody hot in bed, but also, my waist line is expanding and I need to pee more than can be necessary. My brain seems to be working at 50% capacity and the simplest of words escape me when I need them the most. My skin is dry, my joints ache and my energy levels are low.
One thing that has taken me by surprise is that I finally feel like me. It seems an odd thing to say when at times I feel physically and mentally unrecognisable. What I am talking about is a deeper sense of who I am. I am no longer presenting a watered-down version of myself to the world. I speak my mind (without being rude), I stand up for myself, I recognise my wants and needs, I have put boundaries in place without really thinking about it, I live a life more aligned to my values and ii no longer give much of a shit about what other people think about me. I’m not sure of the science behind this, but my theory is that I’m too bloody exhausted to pretend any more.
One thing that makes me sad is that I dint unleash this woman earlier in my life. I have wasted so much time trying to live up to other people’s expectations, although I didn’t really realise it at the time. Why has it taken this level of exhaustion to make changes.
I have left a job that caused me mores tress that it was worth. I am now happily self-employed, I don’t earn as much, but I earn enough to pay the bills. My mental health is more important to me than any salaried position.
I no longer feel responsible for every household chore. Why should one person shoulder the burden of responsibility while those around them live in blissful unawareness.
For the first time in my life, I am happy with my own company. I love spending time alone; it gives me the time and space I need to recharge. I’m not worried that I am missing out, the thought of going on a ‘night out’ fills me with horror. And actually, it always did. Its just something you do because it is what is expected. The trouble is, you end up drinking your way through your discomfort.
I am no longer taking my physical and mental health for granted. I have joined a gym (I need to go more often), I have made dietary changes and I have regular therapy sessions. Even as a therapist myself, this has helped me to understand who I am, my true authentic self. It’s been tricky at times, and at times feels quite alien, but I have never been a truer version of myself.
I don’t hide how I feel or what is happening to me. I openly admit when my brain fog causes me to fumble over my words. I am open about hot flushes, why should I feel embarrassed? I don’t try to constantly push through the exhaustion. If I need rest, then I will rest without a sense of shame or guilt.
After being signed off work in Sept 2024 by my GP, my male manager, asked me ‘are you going through the change’. I will save my thoughts on this attitude for a future post, but on reflection, my answer to him is a resounding ‘YES’. I am going through the change, but not how he meant it. As I move into this next phase of my life, I have changed. I am unapologetically me. No more people pleasing, no more conforming to the expectations of others, no longer defined by marital or parental status, no more tolerating shitty behaviour. People are free to behave as they wish, and I wouldn’t want to change this. The difference now is, I don’t feel I need condone or accept. I no longer seek approval, only from myself. I now have boundaries. I no longer feel embarrassed about who I am. I don’t need to hide my true self.
I have rewritten the rules. For that, I am grateful to the Menopause. My only regret is that I didn’t have this awakening sooner. But I am having now, and that’s OK.